Category: Embellished Memoirs of My Life

the most interesting man in the world

We’ve received another e-mail from guest writer Thomas Wayne, as part of his “Embellished Memoirs of my Life” series:

I’ve been seeing these commercials on TV where some guy claims to be “The Most Interesting Man in the World”.  He’s a lie!  That is me.  He’s advertising DOS version 20, or somethin’ like that, I dunno.   Whatever…  What I do know is that I am the most interesting man in the world.  I don’t know how these commercial producers can sleep at night, after putting out false misinformation like that.  I’m the original “international man of mystery”, a real “distinguished gentleman”.   Anyone who doesn’t know this as common sense is obviously uncultured.  Maybe I should sue them, for defamation of character and misrepresentation.

I’m not surprised to hear that from him.  So what do you think?  Should he press forward with pressing charges?

something bigger than me

Earlier tonight I was on the road, and the radio was set to K-Love.  The song “Whatever You’re Doing (Something Heavenly)” by Sanctus Real came on, and it came on again later that evening.  (Is there such a shortage of good Christian songs that they have to replay the same ones every hour or so?  The short answer: NO!  Also, this happened about a week ago with a different song.  That’s why I rarely listen to the station.  But that’s a rant for another day.)

Anyway, the chorus of the song says, “You’re up to something bigger than me”, and I got to thinking about that.  That’s BIG!  I mean, for it to be bigger than me, that’s saying something!  So I’m excited about that!

~ Thomas Wayne

(FYI, yes, this is humor.  Or at least an attempt at it.)

breaking news: Thomas Wayne sues Mango-Man

I just received a breaking news release from local news affiliate GP News.  Apparently regular reader Thomas Wayne has filed a lawsuit against regular reader Mango-Man.  This isn’t a normal lawsuit, either.  Wait ’til you hear what it’s about…  Here’s an excerpt from the release:

Apr 1 (GP)

International man of mystery Thomas Wayne has filed a lawsuit against the indiscriminate Mango-Man.  But this is no ordinary case.  For one side of the story, here are the accusations, from the document filed by Thomas Wayne.

“Mango-Man owes me a lot of money for my troubles.  Let me explain.   A while back he was riding with me around town in my trusty El Camino.  He started complaining of hunger, saying he needed a fourth meal.  So we stopped at Taco Bell, and he ordered several of those cheesy double beef burritos.  I cautioned him against it, but he refused to heed my advice.  This is where our story begins.

The problems started almost immediately.  And by problems, I mean flatulence.  The air in the car quickly became unsuitable for life.  It wasn’t just must’ — it was stank terribleness.  We rolled the windows down, and figured that would take care of the problem.

But for the next several days, the smell refused to leave.  I tried spraying industrial-strength Febreeze all over the car interior, but it could not defeat the smell.  So then I took the seat cushions to the dry cleaners, but they banned me from ever going there again because the stench broke they equipment.  Then I tried boiling the seat cushions, but they still be stank.

I don’t know what else to do, other than having the HAZMAT team haul them away.  I reckon I’ll have to replace all the interior.  But that ain’t cheap, because this car is a classic antique.   That’s why I contacted the reputable law firm of Mann, Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe, and I’m suing Mango-Man for $5011, to cover the cost of new carpet, seats, and headliner, along with the exorbitant bill from the cleaners, and emotional distress.  I no longer look forward to riding in my awesome car because of the stank terribleness.   My regular life has been damaged, and it’s all Mango-Man’s fault!”

Mango-Man could not be reached for comment.

I can see this one being controversial…  Stay tuned for breaking developments in this unusual case!

a bag of donuts

I’m about to tell you a strange story.  It’s one that you’ve never heard of.  You could say it’s quite obscure in most parts of the world.  I usually don’t tell tales such as this here, but today is an exception.  I guess you could say I’m just in a story-telling mood today.

Every year on December 12th (12/12), something unusual happens.  There’s a peculiar man who goes around the tri-state area bringing holiday cheer with food.   Nobody knows his real name, but they call him Bag O’Donuts.  This is his moniker because he carries a magical bag of donuts (doughnuts) on this special day / holiday.

bag-of-donutsThis special bag has within it every kind of donut — any kind you can imagine.  And the donuts are always fresh, similar to the ones you get off the line at Krispy Kreme where they almost melt in your mouth.  But this magical bag works only one day per year, making it a most special day for all who love donuts.

Mr. Bag O. Donuts has done this every year for a while now, establishing a tradition you could say, except one particular year, and that was when a man named Fab stole the magical bag of donuts.  Fab and Mr. Donuts were talking about the magical bag, how it worked, when Fab simply pulled the wool over Mr. Bag Donuts’ eyes (literally).  While Donut-Man struggled to unfleece himself, Fab escaped with the oft-coveted bag.  donutsFab hid in the pea patch, and ate donuts all night long.  He ate glazed, chocolate-filled, cream-filled, chocolate-covered, cream sticks, custard donuts, strawberry shortcakes, twists, etc. — all he could imagine.   It was better than a wagon full of pancakes!  He ate and ate, until he could eat no more.  In fact, he ate so many donuts that he began to look like one!

A search party eventually found Fab in the pea patch, asleep with the bag at his side and donuts in each hand.  But it was too late for Mr. Doughnuts to make his run — the clock had struck midnight, thus the bag’s special powers went dormant, and many people suffered free donut withdrawals.  It was truly tragic.

Now Baggy Donuts won’t bring donuts to Fab anymore, although I hear they are on talking terms now.  Fab denies the incident ever happened, but don’t believe him.  Rumor has it that sometimes on Dec. 12, late at night, you can still find Fab wandering around the pea patch, longing for the endless donuts once again.   Some say he has a donut-shaped hole in his soul, leaving him restless and endlessly hungry.

Now you know… the rest of the story.