As has become our tradition, we are going to look at some of the special holidays in December.  Like most months, almost every day has something associated with it, but we’re going to cover only the ones we find interesting or stupid.  You can find the full listing at other sites, but only here will you find our exclusive commentary and analysis.  As always, these are actual holidays that we found listed.  Let’s get started with the month-long celebrations.

December is :

• National Stress Free Family Holiday Month — This one is a great idea, and it is on the right month, because December tends to be one of the more stressful months of the year.  It shouldn’t be stressful, ideally, but all the commercialism makes it more so.  Anyway, try to relax this month.
• Read A New Book Month — This is a good idea, too.  Reading is good for you — it exercises your brain and can teach you things.  If you can’t find some books you like, just print out this blog and staple the pages together, and that’ll give you plenty to read for a while.  Or try my other blog if you want more challenging reading instead of funny and humorous and random.
• Safe Toy and Gift Month — As much as your friends and family might want that flamethrower, it’s probably not a good idea to give it to them.  Also, I’ve heard that a BB gun will cause you to shoot your eye out.  I’m not sure I believe that (in most cases, anyway), but I seem to hear that a lot this time of year…
• Write to a Friend Month — You should do this.  Send them a Christmas card, or even a standard letter.  Or, really, you could just send them an e-mail (but not a forward).  If you don’t have any friends, that’s rather unfortunate, but I’ll be your friend.  You can use the “Contact Us” form on the homepage to send us a letter (free of charge).  We will read all of them (unless it’s spam).

Now let’s look at the individual special days in December :

• 1 National Pie Day — This one’s easy — eat lots of pie.  Mmm…
• 3 National Roof over Your Head Day — I guess you’re supposed to sleep in a house with a roof over your head on this day.  I happen to do this every day anyway, so I don’t know why it’s a holiday.
• 4 Wear Brown Shoes Day — This sounds simple, but for some guys, it might not work.  See, guys usually don’t have very many pairs of shoes.  Some guys have one pair of dress shoes (usually black so they’ll match everything) and one pair of tennis shoes.  But don’t feel obligated to buy brown shoes for this day.  Besides, there’s a much better holiday on this day to celebrate (see next).
• 4 National Cookie Day — This is awesome!  There should be one of these every month!
• 6 St. Nicholas Day — I expected this to be on the 25th, but I suppose it makes sense, so he won’t be overshadowed by Jesus.
• 6 Put on your own Shoes Day — Uhh… I already put my own shoes on.  If you don’t, then you should start doing so.  Don’t make other people handle your smelly feet.
• 8 National Brownie Day — Brownies are scrumptious, especially when you add vanilla ice cream and some Hershey’s syrup on top.  Mmm…
• 9 International Children’s Day — I’ve never heard of this before.  I wonder why…  [author closes eyes and constipates real hard]  Ah, I think I’ve figured out why.  See, on Mother’s Day, you give gifts to your Mom.  On Father’s Day, you give your dad a tie.  If children knew they had a special day, they’d want presents, but it’s already so close to Christmas.  So obviously there’s a big conspiracy by parents everywhere to keep this from children.
• 9 National Pastry Day — Does December seem like the month to eat a lot?  Another food-related holiday.
• 12 National Ding-a-Ling Day — Uhh… my research (* I did no research) shows this is for people to act crazy and wacky.  Most people don’t need a holiday for that…
• 13 Ice Cream Day — What a delectable treat!  If you have any brownies left from the 8th, you could use them here.  (Wait, if you have leftover brownies that are 5 days old, you don’t understand about eating brownies.)  I could go on and on about ice cream.  I’m glad someone invented it.
• 16 National Chocolate Covered Anything Day — This is awesome.  I’m glad someone thought of this one.  Almost all desserts can be made even better by adding chocolate.  If you want to make something, I suggest chocolate balls — they’ve got Oreos and cream cheese mixed together in a ball, then covered in molten milk chocolate, then after it hardens, drizzle melted white chocolate on top.  There is hardly anything better!
• 18 Bake Cookies Day — There is nothing like freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies.  And if you have enough to share, invite some friends over, but don’t tell them about the cookies at first; let them smell the cookies baking, and then their faces will light up.  (FYI, if you take it this far, it would be cruel and unusual to not offer them some cookies and milk.)
• 20 Go Caroling Day — This is a good time for caroling, which can be a lot of fun.
• 21 Humbug Day — Watch out for scrooges…
• 21 Look on the Bright Side Day — You should do this all the time.  Maybe this is scheduled here for those people who don’t have any presents under the tree yet…
• 24 National Chocolate Day — Yes!  (Didn’t I tell you December is for eating!)  Eat lots of chocolate.  Chocolate also makes a great last-minute gift.
• 24 National Egg Nog Day — I like egg nog.  It’s got a very unique taste.  If you’re buying it, I recommend the Hiland variety (other others are good, too).
• 25 Christmas Day — Here’s where we meet with family, exchange gifts, and eat a lot.  But let us not forget the reason for the season — the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who was born this day to pay the price for our sins, bringing salvation to all who will believe.
• 26 Boxing Day — This is a day to be thankful and to give a box of goodies to the poor.  This is also a day when personal servants get a day off, since some of them have to work on Christmas.  I don’t know why it’s called Boxing Day, though.
• 27 National Fruitcake Day — Since some people give fruitcakes as gifts, perhaps this is the day to give them to other people.  Nobody is really sure what the fruitcake is made of, because it is too hard for scientists to drill into.  I also think they should be renamed, because it’s not cake.
• 30 National Bicarbonate of Soda Day — This is about Baking Soda.  You may think Baking Soda isn’t very special, but it has a lot of uses.  When heated, it creates gas.  (So if you put it in food…)  Yet supposedly it will reduce flatulence if you put it in the water you cook your beans in.  Yet, it relieves stomach indigestion and heartburn when mixed in water, so perhaps that’s from it creating gas inside you that relieves the pressure.
• 31 New Year’s Eve — Here’s where you make New Year’s resolutions.  I’ve decided to make one I can actually keep — I’m resolving to gain 15 pounds.  🙂

There you have it.  We’ve completed this month’s calendar of holidays.  There were actually more food holidays that we didn’t list, because this is getting long.  But you can find them elsewhere online.  Besides, there’s quite a bit to celebrate just among what we mentioned.