In our weekly caption contests, when there’s something crazy going on, someone will occasionally say, “What would you do for bacon?” It’s a valid question, because bacon is awesome. I can see someone doing stupid human tricks to get bacon. But stealing bacon shouldn’t be one of them.
Last month in Little Rock, Arkansas, a man was arrested for trying to steal bacon from a grocery store. He stuffed two packages of bacon in his pants and tried to leave the store. An employee saw him trying to “abscond” with the merchandise and attempted to stop him. The two got into a fight, before several customers helped restrain him. (FYI, “abscond” is the word used in the newspaper article. I wonder if they used a thesaurus for that one.)
Who would steal two packages of bacon? Would you believe it was a 50-year-old man? I would expect him to know better. Also, he did this at 1:15 PM. Was this a planned heist? I’m guessing no.
Imagine this man in jail — a fellow inmate would ask, “What are you in for?” His crime against society is stealing two packages of bacon — by stuffing them into his pants. It’s not hard to imagine this guy getting beat up if he were to go to prison…
A while back I ate at Applebee’s, and it was before a concert so I was eating a light meal. I ordered a bacon chicken sandwich, but it failed to have any bacon on it. Obviously that is unacceptable, so I pointed this out to the waitress, and she took it away and brought it back with bacon. A few minutes later she came by the table to ask, “Is it better now?” What kind of question is that? Of course it’s better with bacon! What sandwich wouldn’t be?
I didn’t embarrass her about the dumb question. She probably never realized what she was asking, and it’s her job to make sure that the dining experience is going well.
A Monday without a caption contest is like a hamburger without cheese. Sure, it’s still edible, but just not as good as it could be. Speaking of edible, this week’s caption contest features a pig, which is an excellent source of bacon. Actually, there’s a guy on a moped pulling a pig in a cage. I have no idea what’s going on here, but I’m sure you can think of something. So come up with a funny explanation and share it in a comment. (Here’s your chance for pig and bacon puns, if you must.)
(To see our other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)
One of the regular readers here recently mentioned that we haven’t put out an issue of viewer mail in a while. They are correct. And there is no good excuse for it, because it’s a fun series, and there’s plenty of material to work with. Perhaps the writers are slackers. So to light a fire under them, I told them they had to put out a new episode of viewer mail or they’d go to bed without supper. That is sufficient motivation, so now we have the next issue of viewer mail.
As usual, this is based on actual search terms used to find this blog, and I’ll focus on the ones we haven’t already written extensively about.
Click image to see a larger, more tempting picture.
* large sausage & bacon sandwich — My dream of the future is that someday we’ll be able to download stuff like this. Just type it in at a certain site (or select it from pictures), and it’s downloaded through the Internet. Although I wonder if the tubes of the Internet are subject to artery clogging… Why would I worry about that, though? I’m American! Here’s the kind of breakfast sandwich I would download — bacon, sausage, copious amounts of cheese, held together by grilled cheese with bacon. (There could hardly be a better breakfast sandwich, unless you add some milk gravy.)
* buffet calories — This is an invalid request. The whole nature of a food buffet is unlimited, so if you’re wanting to count calories, you should avoid a buffet. The great part of a buffet is that you get to eat what you want, in whatever combination you want, and however much you want. That’s why it’s called “all you can eat”. If you don’t eat all you can eat, you’re getting ripped off, because that’s what you paid for.
* homer simpson freak out — Your search returned 7,352,809 results. 🙂
* barack obama thinking — Your search returned 0 results. (That was too easy…)
* super awesome bacon sandwhich — See above. Actually, there are a number of bacon sandwiches (and other awesome bacon foodstuffs) documented here. You can click on the “Food Critic” category, and many will either start with bacon or have it added. (It’s inevitable that someone will always say “needs more bacon”.) One of the Food Critic entries is a massively stacked bacon sandwich, with many layers of bacon. You can also search for our Buffet o’ Bacon series, where we conduct our own bacon recipe research, involving the Buffet o’ Blog important chefs (of which there are several). There you’ll find some bacon dishes you’ve probably never thought of before, and it may make you hungry. 🙂
* women have bad moods — Your search returned 380,599,248,107 results. (I hope I don’t get in trouble for that!)
I’d better wrap this up before things get too crazy. Actually, I suddenly have a powerful craving for bacon… Time to exit stage right to search for bacon!
Buffet o' Blog 