Arkansas Fresh Indoor Air Act of 2007

It is unlawful for persons to expel virulent gases from their buttocks within the proximity of five (5) feet of another person in an indoor or confined area.

I’m just a billIn the interest of full disclosure, perhaps I should say this isn’t a law yet.  Nor is it yet a bill out on Capitol Hill dreaming (and singing) about becoming a law someday.  In fact, it hasn’t even been proposed — until right now.  So it’s not immediately effective.  But I’ll be petitioning my state representatives to pass this legislation.

You may be asking why this is such a big deal.  Well, air is important for life, and we need fresh air, rather than some polluted, contaminated air being released from someone’s rear orifice.  Not only is such air bad for our nasal passages, it is harmful to the environment, due to all the methane being released in an unregulated manner.  And it’s been shown that methane contributes to global warming.

I will present some examples which illustrate the dangers of releasing malodorous fumes in the form of flatulence.  1) Suppose you’re on an elevator, and someone releases a silent-but-deadly fart.  There instantly becomes a shortage of fresh air for normal breathing, and everyone becomes uncomfortable.  2) I had a friend in high school who would lock the windows in his car, rip one, and crank the heat up on high.  THAT AIN’T RIGHT!  The air quickly became unsuitable for life.  That kind of inhumane irresponsibility must stop!  3) One time at a Taco Bell in Pine Bluff, one diner chose to erupt with “thunder from down under”, which was inconceivably loud.  It destroyed our meal, to the point of some people in the restaurant getting up and running outside.  And on the ride home, this particular guy drove and continued his farting ways.  He turned the air on high, to blow all the noxious fumes to the back of the van.  Many people suffered greatly at his hand, er, butt, that day.

I could give many more examples, but you see my point.  It is obvious that some people will not fart responsibly, so something must be done to regulate such dangerous outbursts, for our own safety and pleasure.  Please join me in petitioning our state representatives to get this problem under control via government regulation.

Thank you, drive thru…

Governmentium — a new element

I don’t normally post forwards here, but this one is new to me and is funny.  It also makes a political statement amidst the humor.

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

Feel free to interject your opinions in the comments section…

my own “Road of Death”

Yesterday I read an article at Beppo’s Blog about Bolivia’s “Road of Death”, and I wouldn’t be scared of driving it.  In fact, I’ve got a road like that in my backyard.  It leads to my secret hideout that I built when I was a teenager, where I go to get away from it all.

The road is all treacherous, much like that “Death Road” in Bolivia, in that there’s dangerous cliffs and sharp turns, all that kind of stuff.  There’s areas where you have to jump the quicksand or drive on two wheels to fit through (like on The Dukes of Hazzard or Knight Rider).  It’s really fun.  But you need stuntman-quality driving skills.  After it rains, it’s really tough to make it through, because it gets very muddy — sometimes my trusty El Camino barely makes it.  Lesser vehicles wouldn’t have a chance of getting through.

Later on there’s an area where you have to walk because vehicles just won’t fit — there’s too many steep ravines and mountains on the sides of the road.  There’s also a pond that you have to get across, but there’s usually starving alligators in it.  It’s not a huge pond, but long enough that you can’t jump it — it’s about long enough for three gators to fit in.  Fortunately there’s this vine that hangs down and blows back and forth in the breeze.  You have to jump onto it and swing across, just above the mouths of the hungry gators.  (I like to make a Tarzan-esque sound when I do that — it adds more drama to it.)  You also have to watch out for big scorpions.  They’re pretty big, in that you need crazy-good jumping skills to get over them consistently.  There’s several other types of unique pitfalls you gotta get through to reach the end.

Just when you’re about to lose it from all the fast-paced action, you have to evade a group of hungry, hungry hippos.  It’s frantic — mad-wack paddywack, even — so you’ve gotta be careful or you’ll lose your marbles.

When you get there, it’s worth the arduous journey.  It’s all cool and stuff.  It’s a great place to relax. I like to watch sports on TV and play video games and eat Cheetos.  There’s also deer and various other assorted wildlife critters that roam around freely there.  One drawback is that the pizza places won’t deliver out there, so you gotta do carry-out.  But that ain’t no thang.

If you’re up for the journey, maybe I’ll invite you out there with me sometime.

~ Thomas Wayne

dirt cake and strawberries for breakfast

This morning I had dirt cake and strawberries for breakfast.  It was all part of a balanced breakfast (although I think I was missing some other parts).  It was fruits and sweets, which are generally considered good choices for breakfast.  The combination was like having strawberries and cream, plus having chocolate-covered strawberries.  It was some good stuff!

Just thought I’d let you know, since some people probably haven’t thought of this combo before.  I highly recommend it.  (Remember that breakfast is one of the three most important meals of the day, so you should take it seriously and make the most of it.)

(If you aren’t familiar with dirt cake, it consists of Oreos, mixed with vanilla pudding, cream cheese, milk, and sugar.  It’s often served in a bowl that looks like a flower pot, and you put crumbled up Oreos on top to make it look like dirt.  Some people even put gummi worms in it, which is unnecessary for me.  Anyway, it’s scrumptious!  Almost everyone considers this dessert to be “awesome”, and rightly so.)