Category: Viewer Mail

viewer mail, issue #11

It’s been a while since I’ve answered viewer mail, so here goes.  Like always, these are actual search terms used to find this site, followed by commentary and analysis.  There wasn’t any questions to answer this week, but if you have any, use the “Contact Us” link to send it to us.

  • flavor of poop — I haven’t ever researched this (for good reason), so I’m going to resort to a third-party on this one.  I have read of someone who actually ate some, and he said it tasted about like what you would expect.  I wish I could find the reference to it, because I’d give him a few seconds of additional fame for his feat.
  • i would like 17 super powers please — Doesn’t that seem kinda greedy?  Of course it would be great to have more superpowers than you know what to do with, but then some would get wasted.  Besides, can you think of any superheroes that have 17 super powers?  That would offset the balance on both sides, and it would be really bad if you decided to use your powers for evil.  So, sorry, on this request you’ll have to be DENIED.
  • coworker is an aliencoworker is an alien — If this is true, then you need to be very careful!  An alien is not going to come to Earth just to sit in a cubicle and do work; he obviously has some ulterior motives.  He could be here for research, spying, infiltration, or kidnapping.   But regardless of that, there’s another aspect of this to consider.  Do you have any idea how much fame and fortune you could get by discovering an alien?!?  People have tried to prove the existence of UFOs for decades, and if you could, you’d be so famous.  So document all your encounters with him/her/it, and keep your proof in a safe place.  Write a book with an accompanying DVD, then hit the talk show circuit.  You’ll easily make millions!
  • words like discombobulator — That word makes me feel discombobulated…
  • why do pickles explode — BECAUSE THEY’RE EVIL!!!  Actually, I didn’t know they explode on their own, but I do know for a fact that they’re evil.  Does anyone have any evidence or explanation of them exploding?  My plan of shooting all pickles into the sun would cause them to explode, but if there’s any natural exploding of pickles, I’d like to know about it.
  • unbreakable stuff — That’s just a myth.  Nothing is unbreakable.  I’ve worked with people who were naturals at breaking anything.
  • why should i eat chocolate — This one is really easy — because it tastes great!  What other reasons do you need?  But if someone is trying to convince you that it’s not healthy, that’s just because they want the chocolate for themselves.  Chocolate actually does have nutritional properties to it.  It has antioxidants, which nobody understands, but they say your body needs them.  And chocolate is a great source of sugar.  I know, sugar gets a bad reputation these days, but did you know your brain runs on sugar?  It’s true, look it up.  Of course, your body can create sugar from foods like fruits and vegetables, but why not save the time and effort by eating chocolate, which has your daily sugar needs in highly concentrated form (plus it tastes much better).
  • how safe is buffet eating? — I’ve never had any problems with it.  But, since you brought it up, I should research this.  I think this calls for a trip to Larry’s Pizza!  WOOHOO!  Would anyone like to join me to offer a second opinion?  Before you quickly volunteer, know that this may require multiple visits to local buffets, so we can reduce the standard deviation and stuff.  🙂

That’s it for this week.  Now you know more than before.  You’re welcome.

viewer mail, issue #10

It’s time for another installment of viewer mail!  Let’s open up the ol’ mailbag.  As always, we are taking actual search terms used to find this site, and/or questions submitted via the “Contact Us” form on the homepage.  Then we add our unique analysis and commentary, and it’s always a good time.  Let’s begin…

  • arby’s all you can eat — Capital idea!  Those beef ‘n cheddar melts are good, and having an unlimited supply of those and Arby’s curly fries would be most excellent!  I posited this idea to the Buffet o’ Blog staff, and Turtle Dundee said, “Arby’s all you can eat would be made of pure awesome, and would result in the eating of every cow in Texas and every curly potato in Idaho.”  Someone should suggest this to the higher powers at Arby’s.
  • bear attackingturn homemade bread into a bear — I… I… I don’t know what to say.  (But that’s never stopped me.)  For one, I don’t think it’s possible, at least according to the current laws of physics.  Second, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS?  Bread is a good thing (while still fresh) — you can make sammiches and burgers with it, and you can cover it with gravy.  Bears will kill you.  Now, I suppose that bears are edible, if you trim away much fat and then tenderize/boil the meat for many hours, but the bread is already food, so why do you want to do this?  The only thing I can think of is if you’re going to buy all the sliced bread you can and then create an army of bears to conquer the world.  But I’d rather you not do that.
  • why does mexican food cause headache — It does?!?  Since when?  If this is happening to you, then either you’ve got some really bad Mexican food or you’re allergic to it.  My own research* has revealed that Mexican food makes you feel better.  (* I eat Mexican food at least once per week, so I have extensively researched this one!)  So if you’re getting a headache every time, you need to switch restaurants.  Because there’s nothing inherently wrong with cheese enchiladas, chicken burritos, chicken tacos, chile rellenos, tostadas, and cheese dip.  I would eat this kind of food nearly every day if I still had a metabolism…
  • dealing with too much gas — Speaking of Mexican food…  🙂  This happens to us all, doesn’t it?  Sometimes you just have a lot of flatulence.  Well, since the issue is that there is a lot of gaseous pressure inside you, the only way to resolve it is to let it out.  (Now wasn’t that simple?)  I know, sometimes you’re in a public place and some people get offended way too easily, but you have to ask yourself — would you rather be uncomfortable or would you rather they be uncomfortable?  For me, the decision is easy to make.
  • throwing pies — Does this ever happen anymore?  If it does, I never see it.  I have seen it happen a bunch on The Three Stooges, and it always looked like a good time.  Even those aristocratic type people would get involved, once they got past their initial default offendedness.  I think there should be a place where this is the norm, as I have written about before.
  • can ice cream cure headaches? — I’ve never heard that it does, but it makes the pain easier to bear.  Perhaps I should research this one…
  • how to build a billion dollar palace — This one’s easy — get a billion dollars!  🙂  Really, that’s what it’s going to take, or at least close to a billion dollars.  You aren’t going to build one of those by hand.  And if you have a billion dollars, builders and architects will build just about anything you can dream of.  So your question has a really simple answer.  Just don’t ask me how to get a billion dollars, because I’m still researching that one.
  • how can someone just leave — This is another really easy one.  Just watch…

viewer mail, issue #9

Welcome to another issue of our infamous viewer mail series.  Like in previous issues, we will look at actual search terms that people used to find this blog, then we will provide advice, answers, or humor that corresponds with what you were looking for.  (And this is open to your questions, too — just use our contact us form to send us any question you’d like an answer to, and we’ll come up with something.)  Let us begin.

  • chimpanzeewhy are chimpanzees smarter then humans? — Uhh, they’re not.  However, if you believe that, maybe they are smarter than some humans…  😮
  • ice cream buffet — I’ve never heard of one, but that sounds like a good idea.  And in addition to having many varieties of ice cream out there, of course there should also be lots of different toppings to choose from and mix in, like crumbled Oreos, Butterfinger chunks, hot fudge, caramel, graham cracker crumbs, etc.  I think somebody should make this happen.
  • how does the moon belch? — You’ve got me on this one.  I can say that I’ve never thought about this before, and I don’t know.  It would be really weird if the moon did belch or fart, because it would probably be very loud, and we might even hear it on the earth.  On a slightly more serious note, to answer your question, if it has any active volcanoes, then perhaps that’s how, but I don’t know of any.  However, there is the backside of the moon, which we don’t see, so perhaps there’s some clues on that side.
  • interesting facts to read while on toilet — There are a lot of good books and magazines out there for reading in such conditions, and comics are great for that also.  Another suggestion would be to print out some articles from this blog.  The free-for-all stories are good (just click on the title of each one to get all the comments, so you get the whole story), and there’s a page with lots of toilet facts (which would be appropriate, although some might give you pause), and there’s a few posts that have a lot of discussion in the comments (see here for starters).
  • nuclear scorpion — There’s been a lot of searches related to scorpions recently, and I wonder what all the hype / buzz is about.  Perhaps the next Godzilla movie will feature a nuclear scorpion.  (Has he ever fought one?)  So maybe this is from a leaked movie script, or it could be just some crazy conspiracy theory, or maybe my warnings about Turkey Point were prophetic.  I don’t know which it is, but I’m curious also.  If anyone knows why scorpions are so popular now, let me know in the comments.
  • flush toilet into air 10 feet away tooth — Hmm… how should I interpolate this one?  Did the toilet water (and waste) shoot 10 feet into the air when you flushed it and got on your teeth?  Ugh!  Let’s hope that’s not what you’re talking about, because that’s downright stank-nasty!  Generally, you want your toilet to flush downward, taking the poop and other excrement away from you.  If it’s going into the air, then your toilet is malfunctioning.  On a side note, if your whole toilet exploded and shot up in the air, that would be kinda cool, but you’d rather that not happen at your home or while anyone is nearby.
  • moon backside nasa — See, it’s not just me who thinks there may be something going on at the backside of the moon!  Because we can’t see the back of the moon, NASA (or some other space agency) could be having underground operations there without even having to go underground.  There could be something nefarious going on there, so we need to check it out for ourselves.  Do we have any volunteers to secretly go to the moon and investigate?  If you find something, we’ll film it, and it’ll make a great movie, perhaps even winning a Nobel Peace Prize (since Al Gore has lowered the bar so low with his documentary).  Who’s interested in going?

That’s all for this issue.  Feel free to discuss any of these topics in the comments.

black vs brown shoes & belt

Today I’m going to answer a question from one of our viewers, submitted via our new contact form.

My wife said it is “bad” to wear black shoes or a black belt with non-black pants, that I need to get some brown shoes and belts.  (And I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean the good kind of bad.)  But what’s the problem?  Will bad things happen?  What’s the big deal?

Mismatched and confused
Conway, AR

Dear Mismatched in Conway,

Many wives have said such things, leaving their husbands in a state of confusion.  But I’ve not encountered any of these “bad things” that are supposed to happen.  Just the other day, I wore navy pants with black shoes and a black belt, and nothing bad happened.  And nobody even said anything about it.  I suppose it’s possible that someone didn’t like it, but I could wear my best clothes and some people still won’t like them, so I don’t see why it matters.

So wear what makes you happy and comfortable (and is convenient).  Don’t get all caught up in these fashion trends — they change every few months anyway.  Why, maybe next year it will be fashionable / cool to wear navy pants and black shoes.  Besides, everyone will never agree on such things anyway.  For example, some people think it’s cool to wear your hair all messy, like you didn’t even fix it, yet most people thinks this looks a mess.  Whatever…  To each their own.