Don’t Diet on Thanksgiving Day!

I saw a news story before Thanksgiving that started with this info:

The average Thanksgiving dinner has more than 3,000 calories.  That’s more than a day’s worth in one meal!

Well, usually my Thanksgiving dinner is most of what I eat that day, so that’s okay.  But then the articles went on to tell us that we should eat healthier on Thanksgiving Day.  Let’s see if I can sum up my thoughts on that idea: no, no, No, No, NO!  On holidays, diets don’t apply. For that one day, you should eat ALL you want.  I know, it’s good to eat healthy and have lighter portions, but not on holidays!   Good grief!

The article goes on to compare certain foods with each other, for example:

Mashed potatoes, half-cup: 118 calories
Roll with one pat of butter = 136 calories

To that I say, “So what?”  But then some “registered dietician” said, “The real take-home point here is, don’t go for both, especially don’t also have stuffing and mashed potatoes and bread. You can’t have everything. You’ve gotta choose one!” Again, I say, “NO!”  Such thinking will ruin your Thanksgiving feast!  It’s the height of absurdity to choose one item between mashed taters, stuffing, and bread.  If you start excluding all the traditional foods, you won’t have a feast at all!

I can’t believe such nonsense was actually published in the news!  That kind of misinformation is not healthy.   If I had to choose only 2 or 3 items in small portions on Thanksgiving day while everyone else ate all they wanted, I would probably get depressed.  And it’s not good to be depressed.  So eat up, people.  I may not be some important doctor, but I do know what I’m talking about this time.

new diet plan based on Michael Phelps’ success

U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps dominated the swimming contests at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.  He won a record 8 gold medals in 8 events, and shattered 7 world records.  How does he do it?

Well, our investigative staff here took a look at his daily routine.  When asked what he was doing during the Olympics when not swimming, he replied, “I’m eating a lot of pasta and pizza.  I’m eating a lot of carbs.  And sleeping as much as I can.”  I could do that!  And I’d like to do that!

In preparation for the Olympics, he also swims a lot for training, which is expected, but so do all the other contestants.  So what sets him apart?  I’ve found that he eats over 12,000 calories per day!  That’s not normal!  So in the name of research, I’m going to start eating 12,000 calories per day to see if it makes me excel at what I do.

Here’s a listing of what he eats on a typical day:

Phelps lends a new spin to the phrase “Breakfast of Champions” by starting off his day by eating three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise.

He follows that up with two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes.

At lunch, Phelps gobbles up a pound of enriched pasta and two large ham and cheese sandwiches slathered with mayo on white bread — capping off the meal by chugging about 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For dinner, Phelps really loads up on the carbs — what he needs to give him plenty of energy for his five-hours-a-day, six-days-a-week regimen — with a pound of pasta and an entire pizza.

He washes all that down with another 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For me, I’m going to substitute sweet tea instead of those energy drinks.  I don’t know how many glasses of tea it will take to get those 1,000 calories, but I can handle it.

Of course, if my daily workout doesn’t keep up with this increased caloric intake, I run the risk of looking like this:

But I reckon someone should test out this crazy new diet plan, in the name of research…

the dangers of selling farts

You might think the title said “the dangers of smelling farts”, which would be a more expected post, but that’s a different subject entirely, and one I don’t care to dig into. This is actually about selling farts.

Before I get into the details here, let me warn you that this is dumpster fire type material. So if you really don’t want to know, you should stop here. I’ll even provide a link to take you to a random post here (which is also in the sidebar): Random Randomness.

The story starts with a 31-year-old reality star who had a side-business of selling her farts in a jar. I’m not too surprised that someone had the idea, but I am surprised that someone actually followed through with the idea, and I’m shocked that she has made over $200,000 somehow with this “job”. Apparently she was selling them for $100 to $500 each, and she was selling a lot. I don’t get it. I figured this was satire / parody / fiction / fake news. But a search has it showing up on legit news sources. So I just don’t know… Who pays that much for stank?!? I have no idea how famous she is — I don’t follow “reality TV” at all — but it really doesn’t matter. Why would you pay money to smell anybody’s farts? Perhaps if a jar was a dollar or two, I could see a few people buying one for a prank gift or a “dirty Santa” party, but not at hundreds of dollars. (BTW, some people have “dirty Santa” parties where they expect legitimate gifts around a certain dollar value, so it’s good to know the expectations.) I’ve seen prank gifts of candles that smell like poop, but they were $20, which is beyond prank gift budget for me. But I digress…

So far we’ve discussed how this is gross and/or silly, but it gets worse — hence the dangerous part. Demand for these fart jars increased to over 50 per week, and this woman switched her diet to beans and eggs. Those foods are good and healthy in moderation, but there was no moderation here. At one point the gas pains got so intense that she thought she was having a heart attack or stroke and went to the hospital. Fortunately for her it was “just a very, very severe case of gas”. It was enough to make her retire… somewhat… (Yeah, there’s more…)

The self-described “fartrepreneur” has decided to sell digital fart jars in the form of NFTs. (If you don’t know, an NFT is basically a digital item like a picture or video that is registered in the blockchain; it’s a trendy concept right now, with many people trying to cash in with dumb stuff, looking to get-rich-quick.) Anyway, I don’t know why anyone would buy a photo of a fart jar, so I reckon I’m not the intended audience.

This isn’t the first “fart art” I’ve heard of, though… there is actually some music that has flatulence in it, in a funny way. I’ll provide a link, since if you’re still reading you must have at least some interest in laughing at flatulence (or perhaps in being grossed out by it). 🙂

I hope this doesn’t make you lose too much faith in humanity… But it is a weird world out there…

breathing to get healthier

As is typical when the new year rolls around, people are making resolutions to be healthy and to lose weight.  This is a good thing, although continuing to follow through with them is a good thing, too.  (Good intentions don’t make you lose weight.  I wish it were that easy, but let’s not fool ourselves.)

take a deep breath, enjoy natureAlong those lines, Mango-Man sent me an article called “Healthful Resolutions: Breathing”, with the summary saying breathing exercises are portable, free, and help you manage unhealthy stress.  I couldn’t be bothered to read the article, because I’m already pretty good at breathing, if I may say so.  I’ve been breathing successfully for, um, a number of years now.  The actual number isn’t so important.  It’s been a lot of years, with the caveat that it’s not a LOT.

I’m not saying certain breathing techniques can’t help you feel better, especially if you’re exercising — there are techniques that can help.  But there are better ways of removing stress than just breathing.  For starters, laughing does the heart good, like a medicine.  That’s the primary purpose of this blog: to enjoy life more.  So if you want to feel better, deal with your problems as best you can, and find ways to laugh more.  I was going to say “and don’t forget about the breathing part”, but you don’t have to think about it, because it happens naturally already.

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BTW, while searching for this image, I came across an article that says:

Deep breathing exercises are a great way to lose tummy fat around your waist and get slim without strenuous workouts that seem to do more harm than good that or portable, which mean you can do them anywhere you go.

long breath dietThat’s the actual text to start the article.  Then on the same page was this image, explaining that you can get ripped abs in only minutes a day, that some 50-year-old Japanese guy lost 28 pounds and 5 inches from his waist in only 50 days with this diet.  And supposedly it’s “similar to Bruce Lee’s dragon breathing technique”. So that’s how he was so fit!  I never knew it was so easy!  So if I just do this 1 minute long breath diet, I’ll have ripped abs like Bruce Lee.  Amazing!  I always figured he had to do hours of weightlifting and fitness training to be so buff.  There’s no telling what you’ll learn just from surfing the Internet a few minutes a day…  That same page also had a Karaoke Diet.  Maybe we need to invent our own diets!