an unusual research study

Earlier today I was switching channels on the TV and heard something unexpected.  Apparently some research group is looking for people to participate in an induced constipation study.  I just saw the end of the commercial, so I didn’t hear what the compensation was (if it was mentioned), but it would have to be a lot.  Actually, I’m not sure you can put a price on being regular.

I don’t know what it feels like to be constipated, but I figure it would be quite bad after a while.  And using experimental drugs to get there just seems like a really bad idea.  I don’t even want to know what the potential side-effects of that are…  Besides, shouldn’t the drugs be fixing constipation, not causing it?

That whole scenario just sounds wrong.  I hope it’s not some scheme of the Important Evil Genius trying to rule the tri-state area with constipation… it sounds like some lame plan he’d make up.

research shows pickles will kill you

We’ve discussed here before the fact that pickles are evil.  We’ve even offered proof, yet some of you stubbornly resist the facts.  Well, here’s further evidence, which I stumbled across recently.

An important scientific study was conducted around 1875, when pickles were starting to gain more acceptance in mainstream society.  Certain intellectual people knew this must be the work of the devil, trying to turn people into evil zombies.  So these smart important scientists conducted some research into the long-term effects of pickles.  There were 5011 people who ate pickles and had their life observed, to see what kind of effects the pickles had.  Much to everyone’s chagrin, all these people DIED!

So there you have it — conclusive proof that IF YOU EAT PICKLES, YOU WILL DIE! That’s just not something you want to mess around with!

Feel free to argue if you must, but facts are facts…

it’s time for some research funding!

Some of us on the Buffet o’ Blog staff have joked that we should start a research project and find a way to get funded by the government.   After glancing over just part of the 2009 Omnibus Appropriations Act / spending bill, I’m convinced that we should actually do it.  Initially we were just joking, but people are getting big bucks for projects that our government probably shouldn’t be supporting.  Here’s a few examples:

* $360,000 to the “NOAA National Weather Service Pacific Region Headquarters to purchase, install, and maintain rain gages”.   Okay, maybe this one should be funded.   But $360,000 for rain gages?!?  I know, they have to pay someone to install and maintain them.  Still, you can buy a LOT of rain gages and pay quite a few salaries with that kind of money!   And that doesn’t sound like a full-time job for several people…  (On a side note, I was taught “gauges” is the correct spelling, but apparently both are acceptable.  Silly English language!)

* $1,000,000 to “Rhode Island Coastal Resource Management Council for the development of a comprehensive habitat restoration and protection plan for Narragansett Bay and nearby water bodies”.  But that’s not all.  Here’s a related one: another one million dollars to “Save the Bay for a middle-school youth program to study, cleanup, and preserve Narragansett Bay”.  Really?!? A million bucks to a professional group just to DEVELOP a plan seems WAY high, but then to add another million for a middle-school program?  Where’s that money going???   It’s not going to the kids.  It’s probably not going to the teachers.  Someone should watch that program.

* $2,150,000 to Wisconsin for the “Wisconsin Height Modernization Program”.  Is the height of Wisconsin out-of-date?  I don’t know what that’s about…

* $5,600,000 to “The JASON Project”.  I have no idea what that is.  But I’m thinking there should be a “Buffet o’ Blog Project”!  We can call it “The BoB Project” for short.   Our state senators should just put it in there for something small, like $100,000.  Who reads these bills anyway?  I don’t think our congressmen do.   This bill is 1,122 pages long, and they had less than 36 hours to read it before it was voted on.  I need to make some phone calls!

* $400,000 for “Horseshoe Crab Research”.  I wonder if this will involve the eating of any…  I’d like to participate in some type of research that involves lots of eating (as long as it’s not vegetables).

* $1,500,000 to “Auburn University for research”.   Some of the earmarks explain what the research is for, but to put “for research” is very generic.  It seems like there would be difficulty in maintaining accountability for that money…   Hmm…  that gives me an idea for my future “research” project(s)…  🙂

The list goes on and on and on and on.  You get the idea.  If you want to look over the plan, here’s the link.  (Be forewarned it’s a 12MB PDF file.)

Enough rambling about all that.  I’ve got to go now, so I can think up some type of “research” I can do to get lots of money.  Apparently this is the American way, and now that Pelosi and the Democrats are spending money like two-year-olds in a candy store, it’s time for me to get in on the redistribution of wealth!

researching the effect of slacking at work

If you haven’t heard, I lost my job last week, as part of a corporate layoff due to economic reasons.  So while I’m pondering what kind of career I want, I came up with what would be perfect for me.  It would be a major career change, but I’m open to new ideas.

The government pays all kinds of groups to do research.  I could conduct a study on the impact of slacking at work.  There are a lot of studies already done on the effects of taking breaks at work (and they all say it’s a good thing), so slacking would somewhat fit that, in that it’s like a break, but it’s different.  And here’s where it’s best for me — since my job would be researching and the point of the research is how slacking affects it, I would be getting paid to not work.  How great is that?

So now I just have to figure out how to get this approved and sponsored.  I think it would be a very beneficial study, and I’m willing to make the necessary sacrifices to see it come to fruition.  This would help corporations realize the importance of a relaxed atmosphere / environment in the workplace.  And this would be a job that I’d enjoy working on.


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