There are companies now selling “carbon credits”, making billions of dollars. But carbon is not the only element contributing to global warming. Researchers say methane is 23 times more potent than carbon dioxide in trapping heat in the atmosphere. As we discussed in the last post, cows contribute significantly to global warming via the methane they produce with their flatulence. But I’m willing to overlook that, because they play an important role in my diet.
However, there are some people who produce an undue amount of methane, way more than normal. These people are not only polluting the immediate atmosphere, but they are contributing to global warming. Of course, some of them might get offended if I told them they had to quit passing gas and belching so much, and you could argue that I would be infringing on their rights. So I’ve found a good solution. Effective immediately, I will be selling methane credits. That’s right, for a small fee (paid to me), you can pass gas all you want, and I will plant trees to offset your personal pollution. (I will also give you plenty of personal space!)
In the news recently, British scientists (“boffins”) have announced that dinosaurs’ reckless farting might have led to their extinction. Read for yourself:
Dinosaurs may have farted themselves to extinction, according to a new study from British scientists.
The researchers calculated that the prehistoric beasts pumped out more than 520 million tons (472 million tonnes) of methane a year — enough to warm the planet and hasten their own eventual demise.
Until now, an asteroid strike and volcanic activity around 65 million years ago had seemed the most likely cause of their extinction. …
“Our calculations suggest these dinosaurs may have produced more methane than all the modern sources, natural and human, put together.”
Yeah, I called it reckless farting. (Have you ever heard those two words together before?) It’s bad enough to just fart whenever you want, but when the air becomes unsuitable for life, it’s time to change policy. I realize they’re just animals, but you’d think they could’ve figured it out. Even animals can learn by conditioning (like Pavlov’s dogs). Here, you’d think after millions of years, they’d figure out a disturbing pattern. Por ejemplo: [fart] “Whew, that stinks.” [fart again] “That’s some stank-terribleness.” [fart again] “I can hardly breathe…” [fart again] “I’m about to die!” The pattern is obvious.
Doesn’t it seem odd that there are people who get paid to calculate how much dinosaurs passed gas? Imagine meeting new people and they ask you what you do — “I study dinosaur farts.” You’d get some weird reactions, I’m sure. But you’d be a hit at the elementary school on bring-your-parent-to-school day. 🙂
A new ordinance was just passed in San Francisco requiring certain restaurants, such as Taco Bell, to charge a “flatulence fee”, because of damage done to the atmosphere and because methane contributes to global warming.
I tell ya, the politically-correct crowd sure is pushing their over-sensitivities and liberal agendas on everyone else. While I can’t argue that places like Taco Bell can cause exorbitant amounts of gas (as research* has shown), the government doesn’t have any right to tax us more for eating there! * no comment.
BTW, this is not actually true, if you haven’t guessed. It’s April Fools Day, so we’re supposed to make up stuff like this. Unfortunately, though, some of the far-left in our society are getting so crazy that such a thing could actually happen. If you haven’t heard, the government is debating whether to charge fees for air-polluting animals, such as cows. Some are calling it the “cow tax”. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen. Not only is it stupid, but it will bankrupt many farmers and cause more meat to be imported from other countries. And that’s not funny. (Click here for the full story.)
In an effort to reduce global warming, scientists are now studying flatulence produced by cows. This is from an actual news article:
Argentine scientists are taking a novel approach to studying global warming — strapping plastic tanks to the backs of cows to collect their burps and farts. … Scientists at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology in Castelar, Argentina, will analyze the gas collected from cows. Scientists around the world are studying the amount of methane in gas expelled by cows and Argentine researchers have come up with a unique way to collect and analyze it. …
“When we got the first results, we were surprised. Thirty percent of Argentina’s (total greenhouse) emissions could be generated by cows,” said Guillermo Berra, a researcher at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology. Berra said the researchers “never thought” a cow weighing 550 kg (1,210 lb) could produce 800 to 1,000 litres (28 to 35 cubic feet) of emissions each day.
Notice that these scientists are studying and analyzing gas from cows. How would you like that job? I bet it stinks to have to do that every day! (Pun very much intended.)
But maybe these scientists are onto something. If a cow is producing more than its fair share of methane, then that’s not fair to the rest of us. Likewise, I know some people who produce more methane than a normal human should. Perhaps the government should require them to add Beano to their food…